Don’t Trust Your Pain
I still remember the exact spot in my living room where I collapsed on the floor and gave up… I quit…
After my Mother’s suicide I hurt so badly I couldn’t fathom continuing to live without her. I hurt so bad my mind couldn’t fathom living the rest of my life with this unbearable pain. I cried so much and so long my face was sore. Every night I went to bed and begged God to let me die in my sleep. Life had been inconceivably cruel to me. So, I thought why stay here in pain when I could be in heaven where there’s no pain, with Jesus, and my Momma-Dukes?
EVERY morning I woke up and EVERY morning I was angry with God, because I woke up. I went to bed crying and woke up crying, picking up where I left off. And where was God…. sitting in heaven on His cushy throne watching my life be torn apart and my broken heart trampled on. I knew He didn’t orchestrate my mother’s death – that was the devil. Yet, I didn’t understand why God allowed it and for that I was baffled. To add insult to injury I climbed into a lonely bed with no husband to console me while I cried myself to sleep every night. I didn’t want to be here.
I remember the exact spot in my living room where I collapsed on the floor and gave up. I had this conversation with God…. GOD I QUIT! I’ve been begging you to let me die and just be with you in heaven, but clearly you’re not listening. I don’t know how you can make something good come out of this. I don’t know how you can give me beauty for ashes. I don’t know why you won’t just let me die and be with you and my Mom. I don’t know how you can use me, because I have nothing to offer you. I want to die, but you won’t let me. I GIVE UP! So, anything good that happens with my life from this day forward I’ll give you the glory for it. Please help me get revenge on the devil for my Mom’s death.
The other day I sat in my bed and broke out in tears and worship thinking about the day I gave up. My God how far I’ve come! God’s grace and mercy are real! Not much has changed about my day-to-day life, but I’m happy to say my life is totally different. I’ve changed! My perspective has changed. The love of God has kept me and transformed me.
August 29th marked the 7-year anniversary of my Momma-Dukes’ death. I’ve been in a 7-year transition. I’ve been on the potter’s wheel for 7 years. A few years ago I asked God when this would all end? When will I get off the potter’s wheel? He told me He had to clean me up before He could present me to the world.
June 24, 2017 marked that birth of Cubeon International Ministries. At the inspiration of the Holy Spirit I began holding monthly Bible Studies that I call empowerment sessions. The hand of the Lord is on this ministry. In last week’s empowerment session Holy Spirit showed up and showed out. I’m still in awe of Him and how He used me to pour into his people.
This last 7 years has been painful, uncomfortable, and filled with tears. It’s also marked a time of great spiritual growth. While I was crying I was growing. While I was in pain I was getting stronger. After much pain and turmoil my gift is finally making room for me. I’ve known God wanted to use me for something great for years, but it’s hard to believe there is purpose in pain while experiencing it.
Cubeon International Ministries is allowing me to begin seeing some of the purpose behind my pain. I can see the faces of people who needed to hear my testimony. I’m in awe of God and honored that He chose me and trusts me to pour into the hearts of His people. Not only that, but I know the devil is mad and I’m happy about it!
I don’t know whom this is for or what you’re going through. I believe you’re reading this, because God knew you needed encouragement. Please don’t give up! On the other side of your trial is someone waiting to hear your testimony. Don’t trust your pain. Your pain will tell you it will always be like this and your life will never get better. Doubt your doubt. I’d love to pray for you. Please click ‘prayer request’ to submit your anonymous prayer request.
I love you!